Revelations (It might be the wrong spelling but who are you to judge?)

So while I was sitting bored at my place of work, I had an epiphany. I need to update my blog more, maybe once every couple days, if I can get to it. I feel like this is could be the closest thing to sanity that I can find right now. Everything is so crazy for me.

There was a time, way back in the day (I feel so old putting that down, I know I'm not, but doesn't change the fact that I feel old), when I would just sit around for a full Sunday, not even getting dressed. I was just lazy and sat around at home all day. I honestly have not had a day like that since my father passed away. The downside of losing a parent, sometimes you have to grow up. When you grow up, you can't dance around your living room in your underwear. Those celebrities in the Guitar Hero commercials have it easy.

But I digress...I hate to say it, but there are days where I literally feel my sanity slipping away from me...At least I think it's my sanity, it might just be my attention span. Who really knows anymore? The major thing occupying my mind right now is the future, well that and finishing my run of watching the Office. Halfway through season 5 right now, I'm feeling pretty good about myself.

But once again, digressing from the topic at hand, the future, I feel so much of my future is already mapped out, but at the same time, there is so much left up to chance. It's both an unsettling feeling and a sigh of relief. I mean, I have positive plans, times, and dates for a lot of stuff. I mean, April 17th: I have two choir performances, one in Centerville, the other here in Sioux Falls, I have the specific times for both, but not currently with me. I'm going to Europe for a choir tour this next January. I have a full agenda, almost completely planned out, down to days, and potentially hours. That should make someone like me feel good, I mean, I feel the wheel that is controlling my path has gone into someone else's hand recently, and just having that little sense of direction gives me a couple of fingers, if not hands back on that wheel.

At the same time though, this organization isn't my doing, so is it really me trying to grab that wheel back? For all I know, it's just more outsiders trying to take over control of my wheel.

To be honest, I'm learning to hate singing. I hate to say it, but I am. Once again, when I was younger, I did it all the time. Usually in the car, just to make a drive more fun, now I do it to keep my scholarship. All I associate with my singing is anger, every week I get yelled at in my lessons for not having the drive to practice. I mean, what's the point in practicing if all I'm going to be told is that I'm not working hard enough to satisfy some old man's overzealous expectations for me? I think I'm just going to take guitar/piano lessons next year. Keep the scholarship, but stop worrying about remembering words, or notes for a recital...It'll be a nice change of pace.

Then there's the whole job thing, it's a great job, easy way to make money, but I don't like how much time it takes up. I just sit there wishing for it to be over, with it always pursuing to eat up every second I have. Every second where i could be productive, or could be social, and instead I am working at a small store that no one really knows exists in a corner of the mall that honestly no one really cares about.

But I feel like that is enough venting for today, hopefully I will be back in a couple of days to vent some more about my experiences and the things I picked up along the way...